'Tis the Season for OCD

'Tis the season for cookie baking, tree decorating, and mental illness mocking--among other things. I must admit, I never noticed this trend before this year. If someone had mentioned the ridiculous ways people compare the mental illness of OCD to loving Christmas, I would have scoffed. That is, until I was diagnosed myself.

In September of this year, I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD. I was shocked and confused. I didn't have to have everything in a specific place. I didn't need to count to number five every time I opened or shut the door. I was not what everyone says OCD is. Except that I learned that most people who talk about OCD use it as a joke. Take the following Target sweater for sale this season: 

It likens OCD to loving a holiday very very much. Is that what OCD really means? Or take this meme by @simoncholland and shared by Scary Mommy:

It compares OCD to being a perfectionist when it comes to Christmas tree decorating. I could barely keep the house clean at the time of my diagnosis. There was no way I had OCD. Not if these truly reflected the symptoms.

Well, it turns out they don't. OCD is not the same as being passionate about a holiday or being a perfectionist. My symptoms were not nearly as joyful and pretty. My symptoms came from a much darker place. I worried. All. The. Time. Not normal worries mind you. I worried that my children were going to kill my infant daughter. I kept her hidden away in another room for hours to ensure they couldn't touch her. I also worried that someone would take away my children because I was not a suitable mother. This worry drove me to weeping and shaking, as I could not think of anything else once they showed up. They got so loud and so scary that I sat in my doctor's office rocking and crying, begging her to make the bad thoughts go away. This was all on top of the normal worries, that I turned into obsessions, like whether I had remembered to put all of the children in the car or turned off the coffee maker before I left. My life was filled with so much fear I physically shook on a daily basis. I couldn't control the intrusive and irrational thoughts, and my mind was so broken that it would obsess over every thought that invaded my mental sanity.

But no, I didn't suddenly love holidays more or decorate Christmas trees any better.

I have received tons of support and help since those days, and I am doing much better with the assistance of therapy and medicine. But as these light-hearted jokes have been creeping up this holiday season, it got me thinking. Would we make these kinds of jokes about cancer? A broken arm maybe? Why is it that mental illness is so easy to mock without any feelings of guilt or fear of repercussions? And when someone attempts to call out such bad taste in humor, they're actually shamed for not being able to take a joke, like Scary Mommy whose warning to those offended for any reason is this:

I am not saying I can't take a joke. I am simply saying that my illness isn't funny. It is scary. It threatened my very existence, and changed my life forever. I wish it came with the symptoms of baking lots of cookies or beautifully decorating my home, but alas it does not. OCD is not the same as being particular about how you like this or that. It is a much darker illness that makes it impossible to see Christmas as something beautiful and joyful all together. So please, reconsider how you use the term this holiday season. Because part of this season should include being grateful you don't have OCD, not pretending that you do.

Postpartum Depression, Babywearing, and HOPE

In a home in Warren, Massachusetts, a mother stared in disbelief. Her Wrap Converted Mei Tai (WCMT) laid on the floor, frayed and partially eaten by a puppy with rather expensive taste. How could she have left it out? What would she tell the buyer? She shook away the tears coming to her, already overwhelmed with family struggles and the possibility of losing loved ones any day now. She took to her messages to try to explain to the buyer what had happened...

Meanwhile, in a home in Manor, Texas, a mother wept in her husband's arms. She confessed the overwhelming fear, sorrow, rage, and anxiety that had consumed her every thought. How could her husband still love her? Why would anyone think her worthy to care for her children? He brushed the tears from her eyes and promised they would find help to fix the intrusive thoughts and that he would never leave her. Too overwhelmed with her worry to sleep, she took to her messages to try to focus on something good...

The announcement of a new Girasol Exclusive release came this week. Without any background, the design is breathtakingly flawless, though it is not difficult to tell that a deeper story must have inspired such poignant beauty. Risaroo, the company releasing this gorgeous design, offered the following insight to this design: "Our newest Girasol Exclusive, Hope in the Dark, was designed to illustrate, through color, the struggles with postpartum depression." 

Photo from Risaroo's Facebook Page 

The response to this wrap thus far has been astounding. Mothers have spoken up about their own maternal mental illness with a rare openness and confidence than I have ever seen before. They have also begun to share about the babywearing community's role in their journey to recovery. You see, there is something very comforting and healing about physical touch, especially between a mother and her infant. In cases of the "typical" pregnancy, a mother holds her baby in her very womb, nourishing and caring for her little one for nine months. Even for mothers with complete mental health, the separation of mother from child after birth can cause a fair amount of stress and longing. For the mother suffering from postpartum illness of any kind, this stress can multiply tenfold. So, it should come as no suprise, though it is often not considered, that babywearing--the process of using a carrier or wrap to keep one's baby close more often--is beneficial to both mother and infant during the various stages of development after birth.

In the story above, I was, and still am, the mother weeping in her husband's arms. We have sought help, both medicinally and therapeutically, and we take life day by day, thanking God for the good days and reminding ourselves they will come again when the storm of bad days arrive. The mother whose wrap was affected by her precious little puppy did contact the buyer--who happened to be me. She told me she couldn't sell me the carrier, because it was no longer the same as it once was. I asked if the integrity of the carrier had been changed, if it had become unsafe. She assured me it hadn't, that she even had a plan of how to effectively patch up the torn parts and repair it. I began to cry. I told her I would still very much like to have it. Somehow for me it symbolized my own journey through Postpartum Depression: I was torn apart by the experience, but I was getting help to repair myself, and my integrity and ability to care for my children as I had been made to do was not changed. She willingly repaired the carrier and offered to give it to me for any price I could afford, so as not to add to my stress or anxiety. 

My "Perfect for Me" Mei Tai

The Risaroo exclusive Girasol wrap, Hope in the Dark, will be released on September 28th, at 2pm CDT. I am among many women who would love to own something made to represent our very struggles and beauty. The chances of me getting to purchase one, and being able to afford it, are slim. But I know that my HOPE is not found in a single wrap. It is not found in the threads or the color. Instead, as many mothers can attest I am sure, my hope is found in the support of my husband and loved ones. My hope is found in the ability to caryy my baby close to me during times of struggle. And my hope is found in the loving acceptance and encouragement of the babywearing community, represented by many like the mother who sold me that repaired carrier and offered to be there for me, a stranger, whenever I needed a friend.

Thank you.

***If you are concerned about your own maternal mental health, please feel free to check out www.postpartumprogress.com to learn more about the sign and symptoms of illness, and the steps you can take to get better.***