The Underground Review: Natibaby Through the Looking Glass Again

Wrap: Paxbaby's exclusive Natibaby Through the Looking Glass Again (100% cotton edition)

If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you.

Falling down the rabbit hole happened quickly and without much preparation. The Queen of Hearts must have planned for this, my confusion, with the hemmed rails facing opposite directions! Which way is right? Which way is wrong? Every direction looked oddly beautiful and entrancing as the patterns caught my eye and changed my mind with every pass.

Curiouser and Curiouser!

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense...

The wrap felt thick like the haze of the caterpillar's smoke, enveloping me in this new experience and causing me to forget a world other than this. Millie teetered between giggles and yawns, a Jabberwocky's reprise found in her delightful coos. Relaxing in the embrace of the wrap, she found solace in this new place without a care for the cold reality she had left behind. The grip of this wrap was strong and comforting, allowing for us to stay or possibly demanding that we do. How many minutes, hours, passed as we rocked and swayed and snuggled in this woven world of wonderment?

I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then...

I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it). 

Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.

If this is merely a piece of fabric, then I am ever the fool. For as we unwrapped and folded up to save for another time, I grew cold in the mundane reality of the day and longed to wrap us again and travel back into the fog of fondness and forgetfulness. No wonder the rabbit is always late to somewhere. Time stands still there, I am sure of it, and I long to go back so I may cradle my little one in the curious state of love without worry of tomorrow.

Dear Bugaboo, From a Fluffy Mama

(The original post can be fund at The Catholic Mama.)

Dear Bugaboo,

You've been getting a lot of flack lately. Your latest ad of a stick thin model jogging around in a bikini while using your $800 stroller has caused some upset. Moms feel shamed, mocked, and just plain inadequate. I can't say I blame them (have you seen that model's stomach?). 

Bugaboo ad

The truth is though, while your ad may seem absurd, it is meant for a different mother than I. I am the mother of four children under four, living on one income, choosing on a daily basis whether to go to the park or get the kitchen clean. I do not have the money for your stroller--or the personal trainer that I'm sure would have to come with it for me to begin looking like that model. In fact, the only stroller I've ever purchased was $25 at Target. (Do you know what a Target is, I wonder?)

But--I don't judge the mother who CAN buy your stroller. I don't judge the mother that is able and willing to hire a maid, nanny, and personal trainer to make it possible to attain that model's body. I don't fault any mother for having those kinds of funds and using them in a way that promotes self-love, a healthy lifestyle, and (God forbid) a little mommy pampering!

I just know I will never be that mother. I will never look like that. (Though if I did, I would totally go everywhere in that bikini--grocery store, play dates, you name it!) However, I am ok with that truth. I have a word for my stomach, and it's not "tight", "six-pack", or "hard". 

It's "fluffy". 

I don't use that word to equal "fat". I have a beautiful body. I simply recognize that my stomach is softer after having four children; it is a touch wrinkly and resembles tiger stripes. And I have to admit--I love it! I love my body just as much as the mother who buys your stroller loves hers.

My fluffy tummy

Perhaps the mothers who are offended by your ad have not yet learned to love their body. Maybe they are struggling to remember how beautiful they are in a world that believes we should be up and running once the baby hits the bassinet. It can be a difficult transition to go from "sexy single", to "glowing pregnant", to  "your baby is sooooo cute!" (Note that last one forgets the mother all together.) When that transition happens, it is up to us to find our self-love and new understanding of beauty...and sometimes ads like yours feel like an attack on our insecurities. 

I am proud of the mother who jogs. I am just as proud of the mother who eats Oreos at 3am while nursing her 6 month old to a sound track of Netflix movies. (And the truth is, I fully believe I may have just described the same mother in those two sentences--depending on the day!) So, by all means, sell your couture strollers and glorify the fit-focused mother. I'll do my part on this end to glorify the fluffy, not-quite-as-able-to-afford-couture mother. And hopefully we will all begin to realize the beauty we hold in this new role and remember to love ourselves for who we are. 

Sincerely,

A Fluffy Mama

The Underground Review: Risaroo Wovens Tetris Fog

Wrap: Risaroo Wovens Tetris Fog

This should be a blanket, I thought to myself as my hand gently grazed the woven fabric. This is too soft and smooth to be a wrap. I borrowed it anyway, because the gorgeous design and breathtaking fading charcoal to cream left me wondering--hoping?--it could work. (I'm a sucker for dark greys.) 

This is a wrap I'd like to take out for a latte. Not a pumpkin spice, because it is far from basic. It shimmers in its ombré progression of light to dark (or dark to light depending on your mood) and wraps you up like your favorite sweater. It breathes enough for the occasional ray of Sunshine through the cloudy day, and keeps you warm when the storm comes. 

This is not your baby's wrap. It's yours, from contemporary design to throw back name, this wrap is meant to keep you as comfortable as your little one. And boy does it ever. If a wrap could be too smooth, this would be it, not catching or clingy at any point in the experience. Yet it was supportive enough to handle a fancy finish without digging into my shoulders or losing the strong grip on my lil monster of a toddler. She gave it a pair of duck lips and a solid "Rock on!"

So, if you have a chance to try this unique and oh-so-comfortable piece of wrap fashion, do it. And don't forget to to enjoy your cup of coffee as it wraps you and your little one against those cool Autumn days. 

The Cardinal Rules of the BSTs (a.k.a. A History of My BST Mess Ups)

Vocabulary Explanation for this post:
BST = Buy/Sell/Trade
TV/MV = Trade Value/Market Value
FSOT = For Sale or Trade
Stash = Collection of baby carriers
MMAO/MMARO = Make Me An Offer/Make Me A Reasonable Offer
PM = Private Message



A third title to this post could be "My Deeply Apologetic Letter to L.C.", the initials representing the babywearing mama whom I less than tactfully broke one of these rules with when attempting to negotiate a trade once. I did not end up completing the trade, but I did learn a very good lesson. Thankfully, she was kind enough to help me better understand how BSTing works, even after I had been ignorantly disrespectful to her. The only thing that made me feel less guilty was knowing I was not the only newbie on the BST groups to have broken a rule or two. "Babywearers Beware" stories pop up rather regularly, critiquing the tact of buyers or sellers in how they do business. And if you are new to the babywearing community, let me tell you this: it's a small world after all, and you will encounter these babywearing parents again, so choose your interactions wisely.

That being said, if you are new to the world of BSTs, how do you know what is ok and what is not regarding sales and negotiations? Well, that is where this post comes in. This will not cover everything under the sun (and I'm not talking Butterfly Baby Co.), but should give you a strong jumping off point for diving into the BST groups head on! So, read, take notes, and get started on growing that stash!

Read the BST Group Rules

The first thing you should do the moment you join a BST group is read the rules. Every BST group is different, and reading the rules prevents you from pissing off the all-powerful Admin and looking like a dork. Even people who have read the rules once sometimes need a refresher, so don't assume you know it all or that they're all the same. Take the time to do this so your FSOT post isn't deleted before it's read!

Give Full Disclosure When Selling

As a seller, it may be tempting to pretend that tiny coffee stain isn't there, or that you didn't notice the small pull that you're (almost 87%) certain won't affect the safety of the wrap. The thing is though, carriers aren't cheap. Even carriers sold in the budget swap groups are still a pretty penny to the low to middle income family, and they deserve their money's worth. If you know your carrier isn't perfect, say so and explain why. It may not matter to the buyer or it may ruin the sale. But finding out which one beforehand saves you a lot of hassle afterward.

Ask All the Questions Before Buying

Yes, the seller should list all imperfections or concerns in their For Sale posting, but you know what you get for assuming, right? It is up to YOU to make sure YOUR soon-to-be-wrap is everything YOU expect it to be when it arrives. So, ask questions. Request more pictures. In a variety of lighting! Even feel free to get seller's feedback on what they liked or disliked about it. You may not want to create hassle, but remember that this is a big purchase and you want to like what you're paying for.

Be Paypal Ready

In the world of online BSTs, the payment method is pretty standard: Paypal. While this method is not completely fool proof, it does allow for a mostly seamless transaction--as long as you are prepared. Let me put it this way, you wouldn't walk up to the checkout with a cart full of groceries and ask the cashier to hold your items while you go look at your mom's house for your purse. Buying a carrier is no different. It is unfair to the seller and other potential buyers to make an agreement to purchase a carrier, then disappear for hours or days because you need to transfer funds or set up an account. It may result in you being skipped over for a wrap you deeply want or finding yourself the topic of not-so-kind feedback at the end of the day.

Always Use Goods/Services

If you are new to Paypal, then it is easy to think that sending money via Friends or Family (also known as "gifting") is the way to go. After all, no fees equals more money, right? The problem with this mindset is that there is no legal protection if you send or receive money this way. Get your wrap in the mail and find it's more holes than fabric? Send your wrap to a buyer and they suddenly cancel payment? You can submit a claim for any purchase made through Goods and Services! Oh, you sent or received your money through Friends and Family? Oops. Sucks to be you!

Do not question selling price or TV

In the world of BSTs, there will always be the seller that over prices their carrier. Whether they are doing so out of sentimental value, in anticipation for negotiations, or because they simply don't know the value of their wrap, it is important to remember one thing: they get to choose how much value their carrier holds to them. Don't agree with their value choice? Then don't buy it. Interested in buying it but hoping to do so for a slightly lower price? Then phrase your offer this way: "I would love to purchase your wrap but can only afford ______ at this time." or "I am interested in trading your wrap for mine, but am unable to offer more than ____ in paypal at this time." Notice that both of these statements speak to what you are willing to give, instead of stating what you believe you should have to give.

Do Not Post Offers in Comments

Now that you've learned how to make an offer for a carrier, now it's important to know where to make your offer. Just as it is tactless to discuss money in a public social setting (imagine asking someone how much they make in their job at a dinner party), it is also impolite to make an offer or ask if they would take less money in the comments of their post. In fact, many sellers believe it isn't tactful to offer a lower amount unless specifically stated "MMAO" or "MMARO". But if you are very seriously interested and wish to make an offer you can afford, the best way to do this is to write PM in the comments, and send them a private message with your offer of purchase or trade for them to review,

Do Not Low-Ball the Seller

While making an offer in private is more tactful than doing so in public, there is a point when a low offer is too low. Low-Balling the seller is generally considered to be when you make an offer of less than $50 of the stated price or 25% less than priced (for low-budget or high-end priced carriers). While making an offer may be acceptable or encouraged, it is important to recognize that low-balling sends an entirely different message. If you don't believe a wrap is worth the price, don't insult the seller by low-balling. Simply look for a different wrap. The truth is, a low-ball offer tends to say more about the buyer than the seller.

Always Check Feedback Before BSTing

Since the world of BSTs takes place on the oh-so-magical interwebz, chances are you will be doing business with complete strangers. While most of these strangers are your everyday, fellow babywearing enthusiasts, it is important to remember that there may or may not be a bad apple out there trying to take advantage of your naivety. Because of this possibility, it is integral that you check the feedback link of anyone you are considering BSTing with. What is a feedback link? It is a link to an album for people who has done business with a person to leave feedback regarding how that business went! This makes it easier for you to determine if you want to take the risk of BSTing with a specific person. What if a person does not yet have any feedback, you ask? At that point you must decide if you want to do business with someone who is new to the BSTs. The truth is, we all started out with no feedback, and you yourself may not have any yet. But this is another reason why it's good to use Goods and Services. It's simply safer that way.

Always Buy Insurance When You Ship

Whether shipping overnight or standard five-day postal service, it is outright crazy not to spend a few dollars it takes to make sure you'd get your money back if a shipment is lost. The truth is that packages get lost more often than we'd care to admit, and if you only use the $50 insurance that comes with a flat-rate envelope, you may find yourself out $150 if they lose your $200 wrap! Believe me, it's worth the $2-5 worth of insurance to not hold your breath until your wrap makes it from Malibu to Omaha!

Leave Feedback

So you bought or sold your carrier, had a lovely ol' time, and are ready to move on with life, yes? No! It is courteous to always leave feedback on the person's feedback link so others can have an accurate idea of what BSTing with that person was like. In the same manner, it is important to send your feedback link to the person you did business with so they can leave feedback on yours! Don't be afraid to remind them if they don't get to it right away. Feedback help builds your street cred on the BSTs, so it's worth following up on!


If you are already following these rules, then props to you for being awesome! I learned some of these the hard way, and others by reading the stories of fellow babywearers. Hopefully, this list will help you navigate the BSTs like a BOSS from now on!

The Underground Review: Pavo "XOXO"

Wrap: Unreleased Pavo "XOXO" (unofficial name)

At first glance, XOXO looks made of silk and the thin, smooth thread seems more painted than woven like brush strokes into letters of love. The dark charcoal color makes this wrap the perfect wear for daytime or night, from jeans and a t-shirt to a formal wedding. It is the wrapper's version  of the "the little black dress". This, my friends, is your perfect Little Black Wrap.

I must admit that I've had an affection for this wrap long before getting the chance to try it out, but from imagination to reality, this wrap was no disappointment. Since the mavens had greeted me at the door with champagne, my wrap job was just a tinsy bit clumsy. Lucky for me, this wrap could make any carry look good. It felt airy and light enough to be 100% cotton, but the way it made me feel like a million bucks caused me to wonder if it had blended some silk in there somewhere. I am a sucker for a beautiful "wrong" side, and took this opportunity to do a FRTR with a Poppins Finish to be able to show off its stunning reverse as well. It glided into place smoothly, and I can only imagine how supportive this wrap would be in a back carry. If Millie's gummy smile and refusal to let go was any indication of a good wrap, then I believe Pavo has a winner!

Rumor has it that this wrap will be released in the same manner as K&K, in 2016. The heart of K&K reminded us of National Heart Month, and Pavo dedicated proceeds to The Children's Heart Foundation. So, it is difficult not to notice the heart hidden in one of the XOXOs and wonder if its design was specifically to represent this cause dear to Pavo's heart for 2016. This is all speculation, mind you, but I would make sure to be ready for a stocking this February.

Hayden Panettiere, Postpartum Depression, and Me

I have a pair of pajama pants that sit in my drawer unused. They are missing the draw string, and their very presence scares me to death, but I will not throw them away.

No one ever told me Postpartum Depression could get that bad. And by "that bad" I mean so bad that your doctor tells your husband you may need to be admitted and your husband is sent home with your children to pack a bag in case you don't come home. So bad that he is told "no drawstrings allowed" and has to choose a pair of pajamas to cut the strings out of so you can have them in case your worst nightmare comes true. I didn't end up being admitted. I came home to find the scissors and string on the counter, and looked at him with all the apologies in the world for what he must have gone through inside having to face this darkness alongside me.

Hayden Panettiere, star of hit television series Nashville, was reported yesterday as voluntarily seeking treatment for her Postpartum Depression, according to People magazine. I have long respected her willingness to discuss her illness on national television, to give a voice to so many parents who feel lost and alone in the darkness of PPD. However, her choice to admit herself for treatment and counseling goes far beyond being an advocate and jumps straight into getting real about how serious PPD really is.

She couldn't handle the darkness on her own. Neither could I. While I ended up coming home that night, her courageous choice to stay leaves me in awe and admiration of her. Seeking help, contrary to societal stigma, is not a sign of weakness but of incredible strength. To choose your health, your family, and life over saving face (especially as a celebrity) deserves a hug and an applause. I wish I could write her a letter, tell her how brave she is and how much support she has, admit my own story as a reminder that she is not alone.

Though I may not be able to write to her, I can write to you. If you have struggled or are currently struggling with maternal mental illnesses, you are not alone. You are not weak. You are not less of a mother. Your illness is not your fate, it is simply an obstacle in your journey. A very real obstacle that requires a daily fight, the ability to ask for help (both medically and personally), and support from loved ones. But it is an obstacle that will go away with help. And your choice to to choose your health, your family, and life makes you one incredibly strong person. One worthy of a hug and applause. Whether you seek help as an outpatient or inpatient, seeking help is never the wrong choice. Know that there is someone here, behind the screen, rooting for you and fighting beside you.

We can beat this. We are worth the fight.

The Underground Review: Girasol Pixie Herringbone

Wrap: ColorfulBABY's exclusive Girasol Pixie Herringbone, Rosa Fuchsia Weft

This wrap is like the dress on clearance because no one likes how it looks on the hanger. The flat shots do it a disservice. I let it sit for weeks, because the moment it arrived I decided it wasn't for me. Oh, how wrong a girl can be when they choose not to try on the dress!

It was due to my beautiful toddler's request for a piggy wrap ride that I finally took it out and washed it. Even taking it out of the dryer, it already looked...different. As I began to wrap my daughter, the buttery softness eased her into a snuggly state. The strength of the wrap held her close, even as my mediocre back carry skills left the wrap somewhat loose in the rails and bunchy around her legs. The beautiful morning sun was offering a soft gleam on the grass, and my daughter and I took to the outdoors for photos and twirls. It was only after the first photo that I saw it: the beauty of this rainbow.

Just like the dress on the clearance rack, this wrap shines in a new light when it is worn. Where the flat shot creates an all too girly pink overriding the colorful rainbow, the action shots showcase its bright, joyful collection of colors without the overly stark contrast of a white weft. Every photo we took offered a fun and unique array of zig zagged lines in myriad hues. The knot shot may be my favorite one of all time. My daughter summed it up best in a simple, content smile and a sincere, "Pretty!" as she cuddled against my back.

If you are looking for a rainbow to wrap up your little one that favors the bright pretty colors and fun, confetti-like zig zags of the herringbone weave, this is the wrap for you. Don't let this deal on the BSTs pass you by...because the clearance tag may be offputting, but it wears beautifully!

Pavo Presents: Paradise

When Pavo Textiles announced they would be doing a tour of "trunk shows", devoted fans of the company ("Pavotees", as they affectionately call themselves) planned trips from far and wide to be a part of the experience. While no one exactly what to expect, everyone knew without a doubt that just like their product, whatever they planned for the event would be amazing. I, being rather new to the wrapping scene, bought a ticket to the Austin show with naive excitement, having never even touched a Pavo wrap before.

I came with a friend more well-versed in Pavo textiles, and felt shyly aware that the mei tai I was wearing was definitely not of the same caliber as the wraps I had come to see. However, though I may have come in feeling like a pauper, I was treated like royalty! From the champagne I was greeted with upon entering, to lovely tote bag and notebook I received simply for being there, to the catered dinner and wonderful door prizes, Pavo designed an evening of enjoyment for parents who have forgotten--between sleepless nights and tantrum-filled days--what it means to truly be pampered.

Champagne anyone?

The exclusive wraps sold for the event included Gotham Charm, Otomi Trinity, Unicornio Fondant, Fable Wild Blueberry, Fable Bae, and introduced for the first time in Texas, Fable Lagoon. The textiles were breathtaking, the accoutrements (including precious snakes and birds!) were beautiful, and the Pavotees were wonderful company to share in this spectacular evening. If anyone left without buying a wrap, I would like to meet them and ask where on earth they got their will power! In my line of vision I saw women (and men!) with at least one tote bag in hand...and sometimes two or three!

As we dined and discussed, gasps and murmurs washed over the crowd as unreleased wraps soon appeared with "try out" babies to accompany them! I had the chance to try on "XOXO", which I have been swooning over for the last week. (Hint: Be looking for a release timing similar to K&K). Erin even gave knot-tying lessons as slightly tipsy women ogled over smooth, lucious wovens. I say with giddy excitement that "XOXO" was my very first Pavo wrap use. I chose to use my own daughter for the testing, and I have to say Millie gave it one big gummy smile!

We ended the evening with door prizes which included pouches (with hidden wooden hearts!), tshirts (with hidden gold tickets!!), and more! We cheered for every person who won, and hung around chatting with our new friends until they kicked us out. If you ever wondered what it would be like to spend a night with the founders and pavorazzi of your favorite textile business, just imagine that greatness with an open bar!

I wish I could speak to the experience of VIPavotees, but alas! Maybe next year. I will say that it is worth the price, considering the ticket comes with a wrap, tshirt, mug, tote bag, and GOLDEN TICKET! As to the chance to spend one-on-one time with the brilliant and beautiful women behind Pavo? Priceless.

So, if you're in the Pacific Northwest and trying to decide if it's worth it.....do I really need to say more to convince you?

XOXO,
Caitlin

The wrap that Goes Unworn

It is said that Earnest Hemingway was once asked to write a novel in six words. His reply? "For sale: baby shoes. Never used."

It is not unusual for newly pregnant mothers to make purchases for the baby they carry in their womb, and will soon to be holding in their arms. In the world of Babywearing, many women take the time to find the perfect wrap for their growing addition. They wrap their growing belly for maternity pictures and plan to retake that photo after delivery, while wearing their newborn blessing close to their heart. They weave their woven wrap between the wooden bars of the crib to add unique color and comfort to the baby's room. They prepare their wrap, washing and rewashing, ironing and braiding, softening it to a floppy and buttery state for their little squish's arrival. The purchase of a new wrap is never done lightly, and especially as a newly pregnant mother, there is a certain tenderness and care with which she decides on just the right wrap for her perfect growing little one. It is done with hope, anticipation, expectation, and love. 

While most mothers are currently celebrating International Babywearing Week, my mind and heart has been elsewhere. You see, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. One in four women experience a miscarriage, stillborn, or infant death in their lifetime. I am one in four. My miscarriage happened only five months after the birth of my first child. We were so incredibly excited to be adding a little sibling to our family so soon, and I planned just like the women I described above. My little one left too soon, and though I have had three rainbow babies since then, I still miss the baby I never held in my arms. 

I am not alone. Losing a baby is, tragically, much more common than it feels. The sadness, the loneliness, the grief...it can be all consuming if you don't move forward, yet difficult to know how to move forward without losing those few precious memories of their existence. If you are like the woman described above, then you may wonder what to do with the wrap you lovingly picked out, the wrap that perhaps has gone unworn since your loss. You could simply keep it as is, use it for future babies, sell it or give it away (as Mr. Hemingway's story suggests), or make it into a stuffed animal or blanket. When considering these options though, I struggled with the fact that it would never be used for its original purpose--to carry the child it was purchased to comfort and hold tight.

As I considered this topic and the juxtaposition of carrying a baby yet never wearing him or her, a beautiful little business came to mind. Wrap Scrap Frames creates beautiful memory keepsakes from the very wraps we once used...or didn't. The owner and designer, Becca Davis, is a photographer and truly appreciates the memories that can be capture in a photo, even the very first ultrasounds taken of your little one. She not only keeps a stock of different sized frames in a variety of prints, but she can also make custom frames from your wrap if you provide the material. If you or someone you know are considering a way to honor a precious life taken too soon, this is a way that can allow you to wrap your baby in love and keep your baby close in memory in a personal way.

Wrap Scrap Frames Etsy Page

To all of your wonderful mamas who feel the sorrow of loss as International Babywearing Week posts fill your newsfeed, please know you are not alone. There is someone thinking of you this month, and praying for you and your little one always.

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GIVEAWAY

When I reached out to Becca to let her know my desire to include her business in this piece, she generously offered a beautiful Girasol Double Rainbow frame to be given away to a deserving mama. If you have experienced the loss of a baby, then you know the symbolism of hope that the rainbow represents. My own hope and wish is that whomever wins this keepsake will ensure it helps with the healing of loss through the beauty of love.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Stories of Hope

A friend wrote me to me recently to offer support for my postpartum depression. Amid the words of support and love, she asked a sincere question that has been echoing in my mind ever since: 

"I am not sure why people are so scared to speak up about postpartum depression, do they think that it makes them a bad person or a bad mom?"

Prior to my own diagnosis with PPD, I was a very passionate advocate for mothers who struggled with this illness. I offer unfailing support to those who mentioned they were in a dark place. I encouraged them to seek help and assured them that there was nothing to be ashamed of. The question above often lingered in my mind, as it was obvious to me this was an illness and something that could be easily treated if they would just be willing to admit to someone what was going on.

Then, when my fourth child was born, I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

The truth is, everything I told struggling mothers was true. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is treatable if you will seek help. It's not you, it's the illness. But no one could have convinced me of these things when I found myself in the darkness. How could I not be a bad mother? I screamed at my daughters daily, for no reason at all. When my 2 year old daughter accidentally broke her training potty, I threw it across the room as my irrational rage-filled words brought her to uncontrollable shaking and weeping. I found myself increasingly needing to hide in the bathroom, as the intrusive thoughts that filled my head turned violent and irrational. I couldn't even trust myself to be in the same room with my children. 

I am forever grateful for a strong, supportive husband who immediately offered to take the children to his parents so I could go to my doctor. I am forever grateful for a knowledgeable, compassionate doctor who took the time to listen to my confessions and in the end take my hand and say, "You are not a bad mother. This is an illness, and we will treat it. You are not alone." I am also forever grateful for supportive friends like the one who recently wrote to me, reminding me that Postpartum Depression is not only not something that defines my worth as a mother, but is also an illness that needs to be discussed more openly so the stigma of "bad mother" can be torn down.

I must once again say thank you to Risaroo Baby Carriers for their release of Hope in the Dark, the handwoven Girasol wrap designed to represent Postpartum Depression. Their willingness to bring awareness to this illness has given many mothers the confidence to speak up about their own struggles and even seek help for the first time. Some of these mothers shared their experiences with me, including stories of compassion and support by fellow babywearers, and I want to take this opportunity (with their permission) to share their stories with you. Each one teaches us something about PPD that most people do not know! Let's continue sharing our stories and breaking down stigmas wherever we can.

Ashley P.'s Lesson: PPD can linger for years if we don't ask for help!

"I wanted to share my "Hope in the Dark" story with you. I had my first 8 1/2 years ago. Nothing went as expected (told at 20 weeks it was a girl found out at 37 it was a boy, turned into an induced labor for nearly 48 hours resulting in a c-section). I ended up with undiagnosed ppd, I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about my feelings. I don't remember most of his first year of life. I had my second son 4 years later and never felt the baby blues, instead I was the happiest I had ever been. Except I still had ppd when it came to my oldest. I now have a 1 year old little girl and still get short and anxious with my oldest. I broke down crying when I read about Hope and what it stands for, and called right then to make an appointment to talk with my primary doctor to see what can be done. I knew I needed Hope in the Dark in my life, but like many I did not have receive the [Right to Buy]. I congratulated the winners on Risaroo's post and 30 minutes later a wonderful momma reached out to me. She won RTB a [Ring Sling] and wanted to let me buy it at retail from her. I was going to do layaway if I won, and she said that was fine. We have set up a payment plan and I will be snuggling my baby in our new RS in 3 weeks. I was once again in tears when she reached out to me saying she just wanted it to go to somebody who would give it the love it deserves."

Piper N.'s Lesson: PPD can come on as a result of pregnancy or infant loss!

"I've always struggled with pregnancy, I miscarried twins before I met my husband...and did my best to "get back to normal" as quickly as I could.
After meeting my husband, and realizing THIS was the father to my children. It was time to start our family! Our pregnancy with sweet Addie was amazing. She was a mexican food lover! We made it until the bitter end, but sadly, she was stillborn....the loss of Addie shattered my soul. I had to consciously think about breathing in, and out. My arms were just as empty as my heart, and after a few months I decided I wanted to try again. Avery, our second daughter, didn't make it either. Why wasn't I good enough? Every day was torture, I had no idea what was wrong with me. After many many tests, we foundy blood clotting disorder. Thank you God? At least we know, right? So I took my time processing if we wanted to try again or adopt. We chose to try one more time. We tried for what seemed like forever, and finally, my pickle face (wherever that came from!) Charlie came along. I did everything I could think of. Ate things I couldn't pronounce, took shots in my stomach every day, twice a day....and nine months later, for the first time in my title as a mother, I got to hear that cry! The most glorious day of my life. After coming home, my milk wasn't coming in, and everyone was pressuring me to give him formula....I couldn't sleep....he couldn't sleep...he was hungry...I constantly felt terrible. Physically and emotionally I was exhausted. I noticed myself thinking that if I couldn't make him happy, I should go....he deserves to be happy, you can't do that. So I called my doctor. After seeing her, it all came up...I want Addie. I want Avery. I want my family. What color were their eyes? Why didn't I pay more attention?! Why didn't I soak more in?!...she also sent me to get checked for a blood clot...where I was put in the hospital for a huge DVT...then went back the same day I was released with "the most pulmonary embolisms ever recorded at this hospital"....I spent a week in the ICU....I didn't think my depression could get any worse. ..but that did it. Getting home I was a shell...I tried to push my sadness out of the way for a couple of months and noticed myself feeling better, until I had another emergency hospital stay, this time for two weeks...he won't even know me anymore...I couldn't be a mom to any of my children. Everything came rising back up. And oh how it stings... I've been back home for a couple of months now...I am doing quite a bit better by just living in the moment with my son...and FINALLY, after almost three years, I finished Addie's headstone design. She will have it by her birthday....it sounds odd, but that has been a HUGE hurdle for me...we lost Avery too early on for her to have had a burial, so I incorporated little things to symbolize the entire family. I'm shocked at how much lighter I feel...it's a struggle every day, but I am absolutely honored to have been the one to spend every second of their life with them, and am thrilled to watch my son thrive. Bitter, bittersweet. Wrapping my son close has given me such a full heart...something so simple, changed my life. I get to make sure I experience every second, every smile, fart, and giggle....this, is what I've been waiting for. No matter how rough my day is, swaying heart to heart with that little man always lifts me up."

Leslie F.'s Lesson: Talking about our PPD can be therapeutic!

"So I had my first pregnancy about 3 years ago but I was not in a good place in life.. I was drinking a lot and abusing a couple of substances. It was a dark time for me since I had an uncle and a cousin both die right before I found out.. My cousin died at the age of 8 of a disease that he got because his mom drank and did drugs not knowing she was pregnant... Just like me. I couldn't find the courage to tell anyone or do anything than get an abortion. It was and still is the hardest thing I ever did and still feel sadness over this... anyways soon after I had the abortion I got pregnant.. Again... This time I didn't want to do the same thing as before.. I wanted to get better and be a better person for the little growing inside of me.. I stopped drinking and started to quit the other drugs I was on and almost got completely sober.. That's when I went for an ultrasound and they discovered I had miscarried.. It broke my heart and my spirit.. I felt like I was being cosmically punished for the mistake I had made initially with my abortion.. I felt like I was worthless as a woman who was unfit to be a mother. It took me months of regressing and then self inflicted rehab to finally get myself in shape and clean from everything. I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I was not a horrible person, but rather a girl who had lost her way and made mistakes while doing so.. But I was starting to feel better again and I was getting into the best shape of my life. It was about that time that I stopped getting my period and started feeling nauseous just like before.. And to my happy, guarded surprise I found out I was pregnant again! Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 months old and thriving. It is beyond a joy to have her in my life... But there's always that nasty PPD which likes to follow me around and remind me of the past and constantly make me feel lesser than I (most of the time) know I am. It's hard. And as I sit here writing this alone in my dirty house that I'm supposed to be cleaning while hubs is at school and my baby with my dad, I can only cry silently for relief. I'm not sure why but this is how I spend my free alone time, silently crying, trying to get it all out so I can put my smile back on when everyone gets home. I still am struggling every day. It's not easy but I'd like to think I'm strong for remaining hopeful that one day I won't just sit here and cry, and that the fake smile I put on for everyone will one day be real... That's why this wrap would mean the world to me, even if I don't win though, I'd like to thank whoever reads this for hearing me. I've never verbalized any of this to anyone and feel a sense of liberation just from writing this."

Stacy D.'s Lesson: PPD can affect those who become parents via Surrogacy or adoption!

" I am a mother via surrogacy and adoption and had no idea that I could experience PPD. But you can!!! The chemicals of holding and feeding and loving on a newborn can trigger REAL PPD! I experienced a combination of PPD and infertility-related PTSD that hit me like a wall. It took support groups and a year off from work in disability leave to find my footing again. I didn't talk about it with ANYONE because I thought, "What right do I have, to experience PPD when I fought so hard to have babies???" But feelings and chemicals are real. And having everything about your life turned upside down, even when it's a good thing, is terrifying. Even if you know, with all your heart, how fortunate you are to have your precious babies. It is not a reflection of your gratitude for them. It is OK to talk about it. It is OK to be imperfect. 
heart emoticon Oh! I should mention! When I was REALLY struggling to bond with my daughter, and was feeling hopeless and panicked and like a complete failure, baby-wearing worked a miracle. Every night, I would put her in my Lenny Lamb, and she would fight it at first. But within a few minutes, she would be snuggling, and then she would be sleeping. I would just hold her and smell her and kiss her head, and within a couple of months, she went from not caring who was holding her, to crying when I left her sight. You'd think that was a bad thing, but it was the sweetest relief for me in my PPD fog, to know that she knew I was her mother. Especially because I didn't carry her."

Amanda M.'s Lesson: The memories may linger, but the PPD can end with help!

"Ppd is slowly going away but I will never forget the horrible thoughts that were once in my head. I desperately wanted this wrap and then I read your last article. Babywearing helped me through my worst days, but it was those specific wraps, his cuddles, that helped me. No mother should ever suffer so thank you for making it to where others know it's ok to not be ok."

***If you are concerned about your own maternal mental health, please feel free to check out www.postpartumprogress.com to learn more about the sign and symptoms of illness, and the steps you can take to get better.***